i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
