True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
