Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
