All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
