from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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