Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Randomize
