Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
