I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Can you bring me the toilet please
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
