i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
