Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
