Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
