I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
