I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
