im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
