Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
