i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
