I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
