before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i dont even know how to be here
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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