That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
