I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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