I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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