Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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