if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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