I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
