So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
