Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
