I smell stomach acid.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
