if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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