your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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