If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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