Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
