her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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