Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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