he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
