Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
