I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
