I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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