i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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