My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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