Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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