i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I currently don't understand fingers.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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