that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
