i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
