it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
