i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
