i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
