Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
