i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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