I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
