I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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